I’ve been Elizabeth’s mentor for more than 15 years. With her as a client, I had to skip the phase of establishing a trustworthy relationship, for it was already there. The challenge was to move from the role of mentor to a coach and guide Elizabeth in making her own decisions in times of personal crisis.
The Client’s Goal
Elizabeth relocated country after grabbing a job opportunity, driven by her impulsive desire to escape from her husband at all cost, believing this move was a total solution to her personal and career issues. Since she had two young teenage children relocating with her, she had to face the realities of her emotional decision and take responsibility for the escalated frustration with her older daughter who never wanted to relocate. The teen hated her new school, her new country…and her mother. On top, at work, Elizabeth pretty soon found out her job was not what she was hoping to be, and six months after her relocation she was at the verge of a major personal breakdown. She wanted to sort things out. That was her general objective and she had no clear idea what and how that sorting out would look like.
My Approach
It was important to identify from the two problems Elizabeth had, which was a priority to address. It was the endless quarrels and escalated frustration with her older teen daughter that was draining Elizabeth emotionally and physically. My role was to help her step aside and look at the child as a separate individual and try to understand what she really felt, wanted, believed and not what Elisabeth as mother believed was right for her daughter. Soon,Elizabeth realized how much and at what cost she was exercising control over her children’s life and how she wasn’t letting them make their own decision by giving them space to be their own personalities. When Elizabeth’s anxiety regarding herself and her child was reduced to a level that didn’t overwhelm her, she made a decision to send her daughter back and let her live with her husband with whom she had already managed to divorce.
As Elizabeth describes it
“Tanya’s coaching has helped me in the first place get my overwhelming anxiety under control and stop and see my situation from a third person perspective. Then I was able to define my problems, prioritize and start generating options, which then I had to further define into realistic and achievable. The most difficult part was to stop asking Tanya for advice what to do, and work out my own scenarios and possibilities. She led me gently through my own “labyrinth” of confusion and insecurities until such time I was coming to terms with myself, my children and my situation as a whole. Apart from achieving actual results beyond my expectation, I equipped myself with new self-awareness and thinking skills and better understanding of myself and my children.”
The Result
Elizabeth’s daughter went back to her home country to live with her father. Soon Elizabeth discovered, that this academically and socially was not such a disaster as she originally thought. Their relationship improved gradually and both mother and child got some communication going between themselves and were working towards rebuilding their relationship. This time based on trust and acceptance.
Elizabeth’s divorce happened much faster than she expected and was able to handle the hostile and possessive behaviour of her ex-husband in a mature way. She even managed to reach a mutually beneficial divorce agreement after two years of impasse. At work, she made a realistic re-evaluation of her expectations and what she really wanted for herself privately, as a career advancement and the compromises she was ready to take. Step, by step she learned how to gain self awareness, reconnect with her own resources and get results by avoiding false expectations. Last, she learned to start accepting herself and be at peace with herself.